[meteorite-list] [Fwd: Humor for the irreverent among us]

From: meteorite1.net <themeteoritesite_at_meteoritecentral.com>
Date: Thu Apr 22 10:02:24 2004
Message-ID: <OE32OcamDgRTShgOhCT0001ed93_at_hotmail.com>

I love it!

Jim

Ps. & I bet he does too
----- Original Message -----
From: "Walter Sullivan" <wsulliva_at_ix.netcom.com>
To: <SNvMensa_at_yahoogroups.com>; <meteorite-list@meteoritecentral.com>;
<appletonlv_at_juno.com>; "Bob Seiler" <gumbybob@lvcm.com>;
<Davesplumbing2_at_aol.com>; <EMillernv@aol.com>; "Gayle Schreiber"
<gayle_at_netnevada.net>; "Intertel" <top1@lists.io.com>; "Judy Jetter"
<judyjetter_at_earthlink.net>; <Lannyboy43@aol.com>; "Reuel" <Turki2@aol.com>;
"will cavanaugh" <whc_at_LVCM.COM>
Sent: Saturday, March 02, 2002 1:55 PM
Subject: [meteorite-list] [Fwd: Humor for the irreverent among us]


>
>
> Subject: Humor for the irreverent among us.
>
> If God is all-knowing and all-perfect, he must have a
> sense of humor and therefore shouldn't mind our
> laughing at this. . .
>
> GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
>
> God would like to thank you for your belief and
> patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He
> asks that you take a few moments to answer the
> following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses
> will be kept completely confidential, and that you
> need not disclose your name or address unless you
> prefer a direct response to comments or
> suggestions.
>
> 1. How did you find out about God?
>
> ___ Newspaper
>
> ___ Bible
>
> ___ Torah
>
> ___ Book of Mormon
>
> ___ Koran
>
> ___ Other Book
>
> ___ Television
>
> ___ Divine Inspiration
>
> ___ Word of mouth
>
> ___ Dead Sea scrolls
>
> ___ My mama done tol' me
>
> ___ Near Death Experience
>
> ___ Near-life experience
>
> ___ National Public Radio=0D
>
> ___ Tabloid=0D
>
> ___ Burning Shrubbery=0D
>
> ___ Who?
>
> ___ Other (specify): ______________
>
>
> 2. Which model God did you acquire?=0D
>
> ___ Yahweh
>
> ___ Jehovah
>
> ___ Allah
>
> ___ Just plain God
>
> ___ Krishna
>
> ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
>
> ___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
>
> ___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
>
> ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
>
> ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
>
> 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts
> in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
>
> __ Yes __ No
>
> If not, please describe the problems you initially
> encountered here.
>
> Please indicate all that apply:
>
> ___ Not eternal
>
> ___ Not omniscient
>
> ___ Not omnipotent
>
> ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the
> entire universe
>
> ___ Permits sex outside of marriage
>
> ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
>
> ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
>
> ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
>
> ___ Requires burnt offerings
>
> ___ Requires virgin sacrifices
>
> ___ Plays dice with the universe
>
> 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to
> acquire a God?
> Please check all that apply.
>
> ___ Indoctrinated by parents
>
> ___ Needed a reason to live
>
> ___ Indoctrinated by society
>
> ___ Needed target for rage
>
> ___ Imaginary friend grew up
>
> ___ Hate to think for self
>
> ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
>
> ___ Fear of death
>
> ___ To piss off parents
>
> ___ Needed a day away from work
>
> ___ Enjoy organ music
>
> ___ Needed focus on whom to despise
>
> ___ Needed to feel morally superior
>
> ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
>
> ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
>
> 5. Are you currently using any other source of
> inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
>
> __ Self-help books
>
> __ Tarot, Astrology
>
> __ Star Trek re-runs
>
> __ Fortune cookies
>
> __ Ann Landers
>
> __ Psychic Friends Network
>
> __ Dianetics
>
> __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
>
> __ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
>
> __ Biorhythms
>
> __ EST
>
> __ Television
>
> __ Mantras
>
> __ Jimmy Swaggart
>
> __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
>
> __ Human Sacrifice
>
> __ Wandering around in desert
>
> __ Burning shrubbery
>
> __ Other:_____________________
>
> 6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? Is so,
> which false God
> were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
>
> ___ Odin
>
> ___ Cthulhu
>
> ___ Lottery
>
> ___ Baal
>
> ___ Beelzebub
>
> ___ The Almighty Dollar
>
> ___ The Conservative Right
>
> ___ Mick Jagger
>
> ___ Bill Gates
>
> ___ The Great Pumpkin
>
> ___ Ronald Reagan
>
> ___ A burning cabbage
>
> ___ mushrooms
>
> ___ Other: ________________
>
> 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine
> Intervention to preserve the
> balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which
> would you prefer
>
> (circle one)
>
> a. More Divine Intervention
>
> b. Less Divine Intervention
>
> c. Current level of Divine In! tervention is just
> right
>
> d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?
>
> 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of
> disasters and
> miracles.
>
> Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the
> following:
>
> (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent)
>
> Disaster:
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 flood
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 famine
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 war
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 plague
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 AOL
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship
>
> Miracles:
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 rescues
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the
> President
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship
>
> 9. Please ! rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5
> (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?
>
> 10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions
> for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional
> sheet(s) if necessary.)
>
>
>
> ______________________________________________
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>
Received on Sat 02 Mar 2002 04:54:49 PM PST