[meteorite-list] Apocalypto

From: E.P. Grondine <epgrondine_at_meteoritecentral.com>
Date: Sat, 9 Dec 2006 10:38:35 -0800 (PST)
Message-ID: <20061209183835.77897.qmail_at_web36903.mail.mud.yahoo.com>

Hi all -

Considering the release of Mel Gibson's new movie
"Apocalypto", I think you might enjoy the following
piece I did years ago for the Cambridge Conference.

Please feel free to share it with your friends.

good hunting,
Ed


AN EXTREMELY LOW COST APPROACH
TO DEALING WITH THE NEO HAZARD
>From E.P. Grondine <epgrondine at hotmail.com>

In recent weeks we have been greeted with repeated
announcements of the reduction in funds available to
NEO programs, as governments whose revenues are coming
under stress due to the economic slowdown seek to
economize. In view of these developments, which trend
is likely to continue for at least the next couple of
years, perhaps it is time to re-consider the use of
the ancient Mayan technique for dealing with the
hazard of asteroid and comet impact, specifically that
of human sacrifice.

Now many in the scientific community may scoff at the
idea and dismiss it out of hand, but as the Mayan
priests pointed out, once they began human sacrifice,
they were never again pounded by the sky gods. So by
inductive demonstration, the technique appears to
work. It has the further advantage of being an
extremely low cost scheme to put into operation, as it
requires no payment for any telescopes, electronic
devices, computers, or staff, and even less payment
for the bureaucrats who manage these programs.

Of course, one does run into the problem of obtaining
human sacrificial victims. While the Mayan resolved
this problem by sacrificing their unwanted, literally
their poor bastards, given the current economic
conditions and the prevalence of extra-marital sex,
such a plan may not gain wide public support today.
But perhaps a ready solution to this problem may lie
immediately at hand, specifically, in the use of
lawyers as human sacrificial victims.

To my knowledge I do not believe that anyone in the
NEO community has ever previously considered the use
of lawyers for this purpose. What advantages does the
use of lawyers as human sacrificial victims bring,
aside from the fact that there appears to be an
over-abundant supply of them? Well, first off, they
seem to be universally despised, and this seems to be
true in every nation. Given the international scope of
the NEO effort, it is nice to find a common point
about which the citizens of most nations can agree.
Second, lawyers could easily be captured for this
purpose by the simple technique of placing a newspaper
advertisement seeking an attorney for a lawsuit
against a wealthy corporation. Once obtained, my
understanding is that lawyers may usually be sedated
by the administration of flavoured alcoholic
beverages.

Of course, one problem with the plan may lie in
ripping their beating hearts out of their living
bodies, as it is widely reported that lawyers have no
hearts. On the other hand, it is also widely reported
that lawyers have no feelings, and this may make the
entire process somewhat easier to accomplish, in the
case that lawyers can indeed be found who have hearts.


In the case where it does turn out that lawyers indeed
do not have hearts, then that does not necessarily
mean that the scheme of using human sacrifice to fend
off the next asteroid or comet impact must be
abandoned. It is still possible that the scheme could
be realized by the use of government accountants or
bureaucrats instead.

Yours in science, EP



 
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Received on Sat 09 Dec 2006 01:38:35 PM PST