[meteorite-list] Cometary Collision Creates Catastrophic Consequences

From: Darren Garrison <cynapse_at_meteoritecentral.com>
Date: Sat Aug 20 14:48:52 2005
Message-ID: <esueg15d63ro3fa6tj6tnl9ouij5uthqru_at_4ax.com>

CAPE CANAVERAL -- (AP) The Deep Impact space mission came to a spectacular climax on July 4, 2005,
when NASA successfully collided an 820-pound copper projectile into a giant comet (Tempel 1). The
explosion from the impact was far more energetic than scientists had anticipated, and the resulting
fireworks were a sight to behold.

NASA officials gave their assurances that the cometary collision would have no affect on planet
Earth, comparing it to a pebble bouncing off of a Boeing 747. But not everyone is so sure. For
several weeks, a massive hail of meteoric debris has been raining steadily on the Northern
Hemisphere, and some folks are beginning to wonder if NASA is to blame.

In late July, in a small rural community outside of Aberdeen, Scotland, a bathtub-sized meteor
crashed in the backyard of farmer Shane Haggis while he was hoeing his soil. He and his family were
unhurt, but his entire herd of Highland sheep were instantly vaporized. Haggis had never heard of
Deep Impact or of NASA, but upon learning of the space mission, he is demanding accountability.

"If those galoots with their pointy ears and bleedin' gubs brought this rock down on me sheep, I'm
gonna shove me baw bag in their faces, and jam me wife's fanny matter down their gobs! Ah'm awfy
peely wally over this!"

Another person adversely affected by the meteor bombardment is rocker Courtney Love, whose latest
court hearing in Los Angeles was interrupted when a 9 pound meteorite crashed through the courthouse
ceiling. Love was unhurt, but her public defender attorney was decapitated by a flying piece of
molten rock.

While NASA remains curiously silent on this growing controversy, speculations on the internet are
rampant. One mysterious figure who gave advance warning of the cometary fallout goes by the name of
"Aussie Bloke". Prior to July 4, Bloke predicted that NASA's mission would trigger the Apocalypse
spoken of in the Old Testament, when fire and stone would rain from the sky, and God would cast His
judgment on man.

In his most recent internet posting (which was made from a secret underground facility somewhere
south of Perth), Mr. Bloke gave a dire forecast for humanity's future. "Game's up, mate. No one will
survive, neither a bastard nor an ankle bitter. No use riding the brumby out of town, cause the
whole bloody race is going to cark it. G'day!"

Last week, while being interviewed on a late-night radio show, Bloke was asked a series of questions
about the ensuing cataclysm. The host began by asking, "Is Aussie Bloke your real name?"

"Yes", Mr. Bloke replied. "My parents named me 'Aussie Bloke'. And I have a brother named 'Limey
Doofus', and a sister named 'Stroke-you-off-Sheila'. Dumb dipstick".

Callers to the radio program argued that the recent meteoric activity is just the Perseid meteor
shower, which NASA predicted would be unusually intense this year. But Mr. Bloke did not buy it.

"I don't give a cat's piss for what those bloody NASA cobs say about 'meteor this', or 'comet that'.
Bunch of bloody figjams, they think we're all knockers. Give a bloke a fair go, or smell my doodle!"

In a related story, a Russian astrologer who is suing NASA over the Deep Impact mission has asked
Mr. Bloke to testify at her trial. However, Bloke insists that we will all be dead long before any
court date arrives.

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s5i9000
Received on Sat 20 Aug 2005 02:52:59 PM PDT